No, srsly -- FIRE FIRE FIRE!!!1!1one!!

I AM SICK OF GEEKS. I AM SICK OF THEM. THEY ARE NOT TRYING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD, THEY ARE TRYING TO RUIN IT!

Me? I'm a nerd. I am nerdchic. I am proud of it. I am proud of it because it makes me smart enough to know that liquid and computers do not mix. I know this because one time I spilled a soda on my tower. It didn't do anything bad, but man, I got lucky. I got lucky, man. It changed my life.

Geeks apparently do not realize this though. No, srsly -- you see that picture? It's a Zippo, right? Sure! But do you know what else it is? IT IS A FRIGGING USB DRIVE TOO. THE LIGHTER IS REFILLABLE. YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO PLUG SOMETHING THAT IS FILLED WITH FLAMMABLE FRIGGING LIGHTER FLUID INTO YOUR COMPUTER. AND I AM SO SICK OF PEOPLE MAKING USB DRIVES OUT OF EVERYTHING.

Who invented this? Step up. I do not want to stab you in the eye with a freshly sharpened No. 2 pencil. I just want to make you shove a freshly sharpened No. 2 pencil into an electrical socket so that you will learn what your parents apparently did not love you enough to teach you when you were a child. FIRE IS BAD.

No, srsly -- poo on this!

Do you see this? This is a piece of poo on a string. But not just any piece of poo -- it's golden poo. And it's not just any piece of golden poo, either -- it's Japanese golden poo. I don't know about you, but I've always wanted a piece of gold plated crap hanging by a string, that comes from Japan.

But srsly? Wtf is wrong with Japan? No offense to Japanese folks out there, but can you see how I might wonder wtf is the matter when your country, when you've got butt-tarded web sites advertising lucky pieces of golden poo on a string ... straight from Japan?!

I mean, it's like ... rabbit's feet are lucky. Shamrocks are lucky. All of us want luck but do you really, really think that letting this thing hang from your Wii remote (because oh yes, that's how it's advertised) will actually make you win at Cooking Mama or MarioKart or whatever tf other games it is you kids play on your big, fancy Nintendo machines? Really? Srsly? Because if so, then I am never ever ever ever EVER EVER EVER NEVER coming to play at your house. I will however come over long enough to stab you in the eye with a freshly sharpened No. 2 pencil, just to teach you a lesson for buying such a shiny piece of crap -- LITERAL CRAP HAHA.

No, srsly -- :-)

You know what I hate? Emoticons. (I also hate the fact that Firefox's spell check doesn't even recognize that as a misspelling. YES IT IS. IT IS NOT A REAL WORD.) You know what else I hate? Stupid crap on people's cares. I can handle bumper stickers and ridiculous license plate covers. I can handle college and sports stickers in the window. Those frigging fish-sticker-things make me twitch, but I can handle them. When I start seeing "So-and-So on Board," wherein the subtext is, "SO DRIVE F&#*ING CAREFULLY, BUTTHOLE," I start to cringe. But when you stick happy little light up emoticon crap in bright red that goes somewhere in the vicinity of your FRIGGING PARK LIGHTS AND BREAK LIGHTS, then I start to get really cantankerous. I mean, it's like ... your car is not your cubicle. It is not your highschool locker. It does not show all the other drivers wtf you are. I don't care. I don't care about your bubbly, happy, "I brake for bunnies!" personality -- or your angry, pseudo clever, machismo, "Save a whale, hump a fat chick!" philosophy. But I can deal with it. However, when you start alerting other drivers to your moods with the same GD, lazy crap you use when your texting your zomg! BFF, then expect to try to get up underneath you and run you off the frigging ROAD -- or follow you and flatten your frigging tires with a freshly sharpened No. 2 pencil. :-)

No, srsly -- SPORK YOU!!1!

Omfg. Didn’t I rant about the spork a while ago? I don’t know and I don’t care because if I did then I was ranting about the regular old KFC spork that doesn’t really do anything about anything. But zomfg! Guess what? Somebody must have heard me – someone listened! And they invented the second most worthless eating utensil ever made. The Titanium Spork – wtf? No, srsly – double you tee eff?! Who needs a spork ... made out of titanium? I mean, it’s like ... what, a Dexter-esque serial killer is running out the door to ambush his next victim and realizes he doesn’t have his trusty ice pick with him, so he’s gonna grab a frigging Titanium Spork instead? Who needs this? Is this like for people who participate in eating contests trying to scarf down the most Extra Tasty Crispy pieces of fried chicken in fifteen minutes? What? You know how it needs to be used? The inventors need to use it to STAB THEMSELVES IN THE EYE FOR CREATING SOMETHING SO POINTLESS. It’ll stab through cardboard, I’m sure popping an eyeball like a grape won’t be a problem.

No, srsly -- I'll wash your mouth out w/ soap ;)

...guys. I have stumbled upon an online store that makes me weep for the future. In particular, I have stumbled upon a new advancement in ... bathing technology I guess, that just ... I can’t ... man. There’s this new soap out. It’s called Shower Shock – which is attractive in and of itself. I mean, personally, I always thought a “shower shock” occurred when, you know, you tossed a radio or a blow dryer into the shower with you. But no, no. Shower Shock is a soap. Its manufacturers insist that it is unique and original, and I believe them. It is also the world’s first caffeinated bar of soap. Would you like a second to take that in? You can have it.

I mean, it’s like ... what is this for, seriously? I get it, on one hand. The premise behind it is disgustingly cute – it’s caffeinated, it’ll wake your skin up, tee hee hee! Know how much caffeine it contains? Twelve servings, at two hundred milligrams of caffeine per serving – or shower. Or, you know, episode of mouth-washing, because is that not what this makes you think about, honestly? Some parent washing their kid’s mouth out with soap for cursing. My imagination takes it further. I then see said kid getting so razzed up on his Shower Shock dose that he runs around like a coke fiend, cussing at the top of his lungs.

Worse yet? The add actually contains winking faces. Omg Shower Shock is perfect for stinky people who sleep in ;) Omg I’d like to give you something to wink about by carving a shank out of a bar of Shower Shock and stabbing you in the eye ;)

No, srsly -- DIE!

You know what srsly makes me want to go on a maiming rampage, equipped with freshly sharpened No. 2 pencils and a two by four with which to beat people rigorously over their heads? eBay. No, frig that, that’s obnoxious, it’s frigging Ebay. I don’t use Ebay that much, and the other day I was reminded of why. The frigging intelligence quotient of some of those people is equivalent to AOL users – the really annoying ones, like the 30+ year old women who only use it to roleplay gay little boys who look like straight little girls with makeup and eyeliner and leather, so they can zomg! Get off with all the text driven buttsecks they want. That’s how worthless Ebay users are. I mean, it’s like ... your dad’s 84375893457 year old PlayStation 2 finally dies a noble death and he’s like, “OMG HAY DAUGHTER CAN YOU PLS TO BE FINDING ME A NEW PS2 FOR ME PLS?” And being the dutiful and loving daughter (or son, I guess – sure, why not) you are, of course of reply with, “Why, certainly father! You have done so very much for me my entire life, it would be both an honor and a privilege to do this for you. I shall find you the very best PS2 that the Internet has to offer – yea verily!” So you of course head over to Ebay because you don’t actually want to spend a butt load of money, and you see lots of the pretty, shiny, skinny, uber awesome silver PS2 consoles, and you think, “WOW THAT WOULD BE PERFECT,” except the first one you look at has a description which reads, “THIS PRODUCT IS GREAT EXCEPT IT DOESN’T PLAY THE GAMES SO YOU HAVE TO GET IT REPAIRED WHEN YOU BUY IT,” unless you want to use it as decoration so hey thanks, man, for putting a useless product on here, but that’s okay, because there are like 12 more of them, except it TURNS OUT THEY ARE ALL FROM THE SAME D-BAG AND THEY ALL NEED REPAIRS OF SOME SORT SO IT’S LIKE WTF IS THE POINT, DICK? YOU WANNA CHARGE $100 FOR A PRODUCT THAT DOESN’T WORK? WELL HOW ABOUT I BUY THE WORTHLESS P.O.S. JUST SO I CAN GET YOUR ADDRESS AND STAB YOU IN THE TYPING FINGERS?

Biatches. Stay off Ebay, stick to AOL and flea markets

No, srsly -- SRSLY.

Srsly srsly, guys. This does not exactly qualify as technology -- though pet toy technology has its place as well.

I'm sure a lot of you are familiar with the Chai Story. If you aren't, go read it, especially if you have pets or know someone who does.

Basically, Chai is a dog who had this pimple ball with a bell, marketed by Four Paws. A lot of dogs have that toy. However, due to a design malfunction that has not been addressed, despite the fact that it has been a problem since at least 2005, Chai lost his tongue. Some dogs have died.

You see, the toy has a hole -- just one, by all accounts. Any toy like this needs to have at least one other hole on the other side, to prevent a suction effect. Therein lies the problem. Dogs will be chewing on this toy like crazy, and their tongue gets sucked into it. If you don't get it off fairly quickly -- and it is nearly impossible to do yourself if you have a big dog -- then the tongue loses all circulation, and amputation is a definite possibility.

I'm not going to scream at you to boycott the company -- that's entirely up to you. I am going to ask you to be aware of this problem, and to keep your own pets safe at the very least. Between us, my fiance and I have three dogs -- she has a dachsund and a black Lab, I have a cocker spaniel, plus a surrogate, too-cute little bastard of a lapdog that belongs to my mom. Stories like this kill me -- especially when, upon being addressed, the company in question implies that dogs are merely "property." So keep yours safe, and well away from this toy.

And feel free to imagine stabbing the blowhards who just referred to your pets as expendable in the eye with a freshly sharpened No. 2 pencil, plskthx!

On that note, we will be back with our regularly scheduled retardation and awesome cool zomg l33t sp3ak later on this weekend. Oh, and happy Labor Day, bitches! I don't get the day off, so fuuug you.